Is my feminism… patriarchal?

Fighting for the rights of a marginalised group is a minefield of contradiction. We have to play the system to change the system.

It’s frustrating because EQUALITY IS THE MORAL CHOICE. But also, yeah, I understand why men wouldn’t want to give up their privilege.

Let’s be honest: giving up power does not sound appealing.

How to fight the patriarchy while living in a patriarchy

Historically, marginalised groups either seize power through violence or convince the powerful to give it up bit by bit.

The suffragettes used to burn down buildings, stage violent protests and plant bombs! Some historians argue this delayed the vote more than helped. But they undeniably raised the issue to the public discourse.

Cancel culture and the anti-feminist backlash

This aggressive approach reminds me of the so-called “cancel culture” and today’s anti-feminist backlash.

We saw the rise of Fourth Wave Feminism circa 2012. The social discourse started including issues like the gender pay gap, affirmative consent and microsexisms. It tackled the quieter, sneakier forms of sexism that flew under the radar.

Eventually the movement turned sour. The chronically online crowd co-opted activist language to virtue-signal and bully, not the powerful, but allies who they disagreed with by a hair. We wasted our time on name-calling, telling people to “educate themselves” and arguing over minutiae.

I remember it well because I had a front row seat.

In 2015-2016 I was leading a feminist magazine in Spain and I became a relatively well-known activist. Some people still remember my writing (some of it was quite punchy).

I was young, I was dumb, and I was an arrogant little shit. I used to love nitpicking other people’s language and labeling them “ableist”, “ageist”, all the “-ists”.

Finally it hit me: I was wasting my time debating other women over whether gender is a construct or a biological reality and getting nothing done to actually advance women’s rights. The self-inflicted division killed the social momentum.

Some believe that the Fourth Wave of feminism, along with its “cancel culture”, went too far, and that this led to the anti-feminist backlash we’re seeing today. Just like the violent protests of the suffragettes may have delayed the women’s right to vote.

Honey, not vinegar

If the violent approach doesn’t work, then what does? Persuading the powerful to give away their unfair advantage.

There are two psychological forces at play in this game of feminist persuasion:

• The psychological need for morality - The need to see ourselves as “good”.

• The need for social belonging - We want to be part of a community.

The first one seems simple. If we convince the powerful that giving away power is the moral option, they should want to do it, so that they can maintain a positive concept of themselves.

However, we first need to convince them that they are, in fact, in power. Convincing men that there is a patriarchy and they benefit from it is hard. We all want to believe we’ve earned what we have, and this might clash strongly with their own self-image.

Another challenge is explaining that privilege across one category doesn’t mean you just “have it easy” in life in general. Feminism does not deny that men suffer, they do. It says men don’t suffer because of their gender.

Our egos are fragile. This first step is the hardest.

The need for social belonging comes into play a little differently. If our communities see us as bad people we risk being excluded, so we want to project the image of a good person. In this scenario, the fear of shame and rejection can drive people to perform the morality of their social group.

This can lead to real concessions of power or to an adjustment of one’s core beliefs to avoid the dissonance between what we think and what we do (i.e., some can start believing in feminist ideals because we’ve acted like we do).

However, more often than not people will consolidate and uphold their patriarchal beliefs even more strongly. Some studies have shown that DEI training can backfire, making men even more resistant to inclusive initiatives.

Psychology calls this reactance: the gut instinct to push back when we feel someone’s trying to change our mind.

Feminist persuasion is feminine persuasion

Persuasive activism is the more effective activism. Being right means nothing if no one else is on board.

The really difficult part is this: to be persuasive, my feminism needs to stay within the confines of my gender role. No anger. Be kind. Be charming. Reassure men it’s not them, they’re the good ones.

The tone policing required for feminism to be effective mirrors the expected gender roles. This means every effective form of feminism will be following a patriarchal mandate of femininity.

Feminism itself is shaped by patriarchal incentives.

The very fact that I have to make my opinions more palatable to instigate change highlights the power imbalance. This self-imposed restraint in itself is evidence of the patriarchy at play.

There is no feminist feminism in a patriarchal society. It will either be a dampened version that’s palatable to the powerful or it will be ineffective.

What a bummer.

Before ending this, there are some caveats I feel I have to add:

• Anti-feminist backlash is not because we went “too far” during the Fourth Wave of feminism. The issue is that we relied on the fear of social rejection, shaming people into conformity, instead of actually persuading others through their need for morality.

• Cancel culture isn’t real. Chris Brown is on tour FFS.